Episode 7 - Happiness

It has been a while.  Been a while since I wrote.  Been a while since I felt this way.  Beyond contentment.  A simple pure joy.

As I sit here in bed, with stacks of homework as the clock strikes 1 AM, I realize I couldn’t be happier.  Today has been an especially good day.  I was able to rehearse my music this morning.  I was able to attend my classes, pass a pop quiz with flying colors, actively participate in discussion, and take a step forward in getting more homework done than I have in the past couple weeks.  Sounds productive!  Because of this renewed productivity with my academics, I am especially proud of myself.  Beyond that, I was able to spend some time with the best friends I could have in college, Kababayan.  Kaba Tables are definitely my favorite place to be these days.  Attending the Kababayan’s 23rd Annual Talent Show, and winning, have also been great highlights of the day.

Running for Mr. Kaba, I had prepared a talent to perform, but also found out that my best friend happened to be doing the same thing.  So, a great friend of mine, Rachel, helped me to find a new song to sing and even offered to play the guitar as my accompanist!  Thanks to her,I was able to submit a successful video in on time without the overlap of having the same song as another contestant.

I forgot that my enrollment window was today, but lucky for me, all of my classes were still available by the time I did sign up for them.  Along with that, I have signed up for summer classes as well, which definitely have me excited as I prepare for my major change from Biological Sciences to International Studies!

Although today hasn’t been perfect, it has definitely been a great day!  Sitting here, exhaling a slow breath, I come to realize how great I’ve got it and I am definitely glad to be me right now.  I am filled with a new lust for life, a yearning for success, and an ambition to live life positively!  Let’s go world, I got this in the bag!

Episode 6 - The Election and The Endorsement

Every year, students enter a period of elections when they vote their peers into the executive offices of the Associated Students of the University of California, Irvine.  This year, I decided to do my research on each candidate as I did last year.  However, as a new experiment, I have decided to endorse the candidates I choose publicly.  Reasons?  I feel that I would already openly support the individuals that I select, so why not use the term “endorse” while I’m at it?  I want to help these individuals publicize their campaigns through whatever means.  I am willing to put my network to good use to help promote these candidates because I believe they are the best fit to lead each of their individual offices.  It is NOT because they are simply my friends.  I know many of the candidates and so to say I vote for my friends would be true, but I cannot vote for all of them simply because they are running against each other.

I looked at each of the candidate’s campaigns.  Why do they want to be in the office?  What do they believe in and stand for?  What will they do to benefit the student body of UCI?  How are they campaigning?  Are they utilizing all of their resources: posters, websites, flyers, etc?  Not only do I look at their campaigns, but I look at each of the candidates individually as well.  Throughout their campaigns, I have spoken to several candidates in order to see how they interact with other people.  Are they able to do public speaking well?  What is the easy to talk to, easy to approach?  These are questions I asked myself because I want to ensure that whoever is to take office will do a spectacular job.  Therefore, without further ado, I present my ASUCI Endorsements of 2012:

• President | Traci Ishigo
• Executive Vice President | Andrea Gaspar
• Vice President of Student Services | Hayden Dumayag
• Vice President of Administrative Affairs | Dom Doan
• Vice President of Academic Affairs | Neil Bautista
• At-Large Representative | Arman Liwanag
• At-Large Representative | Daisy Herrera Duran
• At-Large Representative | Summer Ko
• Biological Sciences Representative | Kleshie Baisie
• Humanities Representative | Decerry Donato
• Social Sciences Representative | Michael Tam

Congratulations to these candidates for impressing with their amazing efforts and outstanding campaigns.  This year, the competition has definitely been much more amazing and thus much more difficult.  It was hard to decide but I have come to a conclusion.  Good luck to these candidates!

Please vote for these individuals, who I feel are most qualified to take on the responsibilities and challenges of the Executive Offices of ASUCI! 

Episode 5 - Fresh Start

With the start of a new quarter, I once again face the same challenge I did this time last year.  In Spring Quarter of 2011, I was given the opportunity to apply for a change of major.  Actually, it was more of a threat than an opportunity.  However, I took the chance and switched into the major of Biological Sciences.  After a year of working toward my degree in Biomedical Engineering; Pre-Medicine major, I spent my second year working toward my degree in Biological Sciences major.  With the coming of Spring Quarter of 2012, I was given the same “opportunity” to change my major once again.  After some thought, I have decided that I push myself too hard to become a doctor.  It’s hard to tell what is what I want and what is what my mom had wanted for me.  It’s hard to tell what is difficult because it simply is or because I have no affinity or passion for it.  It’s difficult to discern the difference between what is hard for me because I’m not meant to do it or what’s hard for me because I’m not working hard enough.  With two years of consistent failure and a passionless education, I feel like it is time to change directions.

With that decision in mind, I tried to think about what I love to do and what I have been doing in the past few years.  I love to work with people.  I love to interact with others.  I love to keep busy.  With these in mind, I find myself wanting to work in some sort of Public Relations position.  I have talked to the School of Social Science.  I have scheduled time to talk to the School of Humanities.  I plan to meet up with the School of Business.  I am doing my best to gauge what major I should switch to and how I could apply that major into my interest in working as PR in the future.

Not only am I excited about my new path, I’m ecstatic about the future.  I am very excited to be finally trying to do something that I’d love to do without fear of obligation and expectation from myself or my family to become a doctor.  Being able to be myself.  With this new quarter, I don’t have a single science class and I am frantic with joy.  With this fresh start, I plan to take on my new major change and my new challenge with such vigor and eagerness.  I plan to tackle this new issue, new challenge, new obstacle with such passion.  I plan to do so well in school this quarter that there will be no doubt in my mind that I made the right choice.

A fresh start.  That’s what I want.  That’s what I got.  I will make the best of this new change and turn my life for the better.  Here’s to a new me!

Episode 4 - Take Note

After typing out paragraphs and pages of the original “Episode 4 - Martyrdom”, Internet Explorer mercilessly destroyed everything I had… But I suppose that’s a good thing.  The original script had much to say, but mostly it condemned those who have caused immeasurable pain to others and have decided to ignore the results of their actions.  Instead, I write this Episode 4.  I write this one as a positive message instead of a negative rant.

To everyone who has ever been in a relationship, I see the elation that comes with having someone that you can call your own.  However, be weary and tread carefully. I have seen many relationships start, blossom, grow, and wither away.  I have seen many relationships built upon foundations of stone and last years.  Although I have never had a relationship myself, I do take notes on the ones I have observed.  There are a few points that are obvious to everyone, but as a reminder, I’d like to post them here:

1. Trust | It is paramount that the individuals engaged in any sort of relationship, romantic or otherwise, trust each other.  One cannot be friends if one does not trust another.  Therefore, it is even more important to have solid foundations of trust before starting a romantic relationship.
2. Communication | This is key to any and every relationship as well.  Trust cannot exist without communication.  The sharing of knowledge, experience, and emotions are fundamentally to stabilize the bridge between two individuals that is trust.
3. Respect | It seems almost ridiculous to have to even mention respect.  However, respect is knowing that trust and communication are important.  Respect is knowing that both trust and communication need to exist.  Respect is making an effort to maintain both trust and communication.  Respect is portrayed through every little action that any individual performs, that or a lack thereof.
4. Intimacy | Although many people do not talk about it, it seems commonplace to know that everyone likes to feel comforted.  Everyone wants to know that there is a safe place in the arms of another person who is there for them.  A lack of intimacy robs the relationship of warmth, of the final touch that lets them know that this isn’t just friendship but a companionship.

So in conclusion, those who are in a relationship, please take note and keep these points in mind.  These are only a few points, but I feel that they hold importance in any relationship (intimacy, especially so in romantic relationships).

Aside from romantic relationships, here are some tips to take note of just as a human being:

1. Keep an open mind.  As anyone should know, being closed-minded literally does just that: it closes your mind to the world around you.  With a closed mind, you can only see the inside of the walls that house your mind.  With an open mind, you learn and grow from the world around you.  You can embrace beauty, love, music, etc.  Living with a closed mind promotes selfishness, narcissism, arrogance, etc.  Living with an open mind promotes earnestness, humility, understanding, love, etc.
2. Learn to take constructive criticism.  This is tied to the first one.  You won’t learn anything if you think you’re too good for everyone.  Be humble and be willing to learn and grow.  Only then will you become better.  If you can’t take constructive criticism, you are worse than a baby, who can at learn from it.  If you disagree, thank them for the assistance but do not, I repeat, DO NOT go off on them and believe you are superior.  That makes you the exact opposite.
3. Don’t lie.  Lies are hard to maintain.  There’s a reason they call it a web of lies not a pyramid of lies.  Both build upon one another, but pyramids are sturdy.  Webs fall apart once a wind blows or a stick falls.  If you lie, at least make an effort to cover it up.  If you can’t cover a lie, then don’t lie.  Because if you are caught, you are seen as disrespectful, untrustworthy, and a load of other negative things.
4. Don’t insult blindly.  If you’re going to insult, know what you’re saying.  Be able to defend your statements because if you can’t, they’re just empty threats.  No one cares what you have to say anymore because you aren’t speaking with a sense of education.  You are merely talking shit.  That’s why it’s called talking shit: nothing but crap comes out of your mouth.  Don’t do it  unless you can support your statements.
5. Time manage well.  Life is short.  The world is big.  There is a lot to do, a lot of people to meet, and not enough time.  If you’re going to survive or thrive in this world, you’ll need to be able to time manage.  It’s a basic skill that hard to master, but it is a huge asset.
6. Self-worth is priceless.  I have seen amazing people crumple up and die inside.  I have seen cruel people tower over them and stomp them into the dirt because they allow it.  Give yourself some credit.  You are worth something.  If you don’t believe it, who else will?  You need to know that you are an amazing person, a unique person, a good person.  From there, live your life letting others know the same.  Protect your self-worth.  Protect yourself.  Never ever let others take that from.  Never ever let others take advantage of you.
7. Live with hope.  Lastly, know that it can get better.  Life is hard.  Life is tough.  It is not always easy, but do not ever give up.  Fight for it!  Some have it worse.  Some have it better.  But what does it matter?  You are here now.  Know that whatever troubles you have now, you can and will overcome.  Obstacles are made to better us.  See dark times as an opportunity to shine.  See the stones in your path as an opportunity to do some heavy lifting to work out.  See the tangled road before you as an adventure waiting to happen.  Live with purpose.  Live with hope.  From there, life will become, not easy, but easier.

I suppose these are simple and seem to be common sense.  You’d be surprised.  However, to everyone, please keep these points in mind.  My hope is that someone will read this and learn something or become more aware of the world around them.  My hope is that I will be able to reach out to someone and stir something within them.  My hope is that my words will help to create a subtle change in the world.  One step at a time.  Take note, learn, and grow.

Episode 3 - Advantage

Throughout the past year or so, I have come across a number of lame excuses that could hardly pass for even that title.  I have heard excuses to get out of work, to ask for a favor, to dodge an awkward situation, to ignore a call or text, and to avoid hangouts.  There are a few people who have earned the benefit of the doubt.  However, most people are such horrible actors that I can immediately sense their falsehoods.  From these interactions, I have learned a few things:

1. I can be too nice.  People take advantage of me because I am willing to be there for them.  I am willing to drop whatever I am doing so that I can help others, even when they are not completely kind to me.  Why?  I do not know.  It is a part of who I am and it is probably something I got from my mother.
2. People can take advantage.  Just because I like to be nice to others, doesn’t mean they like to be nice back.  Just because I make myself available for others, doesn’t mean that they will return the favor for me.  People do have the ability to take of advantage of the situation and sometimes they will.
3. Those that take advantage of me are not worth my time.  I do not always expect people to be there for me.  It’d be nice.  But those that take advantage of me without treating me with respect obviously do not belong in my life.  I freely give myself to others.  I do my best to make myself available to others.  To my friends and those who do treat me with respect, you may take advantage of this.  You may because you deserve it.  Why then, should I allow those who do not care about me the same advantage?  I should not. Therefore, those who do not seek to be kind and to build an enduring relationship with me will no longer be able to take advantage of me.
4. Cherish those that do not take advantage.  Just because people can take advantage, there are those who choose not to.  They are the ones that deserve it the most.  They are the ones that I should cherish.  They are true friends who do not see me as a resource, but as a friend.  It is these people that will continue to exist in my life.  It is these people who will continue to reap the benefits of our relationship.

I do not say this to mean that I am such a great person that everyone wants to be my friend.  No.  I say this because after being treated badly over such a long period of time by so many people, I have come to learn that I should hold some self-worth.  I should have some sort of self-esteem.  I should hold myself up with some dignity and respect because if I do not treat myself that way, how do I expect others to do the same?  I want to be everyone’s friend.  That is just who I am.  However, I have come to learn that if there are people who want to bring me down and make me feel low, then I should separate myself from them.  I should surround myself with loving and kind people.  Only then will I be able to feel good about myself.

Episode 2 - Not Ready

Februar 13, 2012. Monday. Yesterday. It was undoubtedly by far the worst day I have ever had in my entire life. It was the day that I told my mom about my sexual ambiguity. The past weekend, I had attended he Free the Fire Retreat with my my church, Holy Spirit. During my a specific activity called “Breaking Down the Barriers”, we discussed barriers in our lives that keep us from living our lives and doing the best that we can. It was then that I first openly discussed my sexual ambiguity with my church. The reaction was simple: support, kindness, and unwavering love. We had the opportunity to actuallyburnour barriers (which were written down on flash paper). I felt much better with myself and with my church. After the retreat, my family was expecting me to come home at 5PM. I got back to the church at 5PM and of course we had Mass. Following Mass was a the send-off for all of the students/retreatants and an All-Team Dinner at Lamppost pizza. Lastly, the Ord’s hosted a Just Dance Marathon at their place.

Of course, this went past 5PM, which was the expected time that I would be home. My sister had texted me that evening and I explained to her where I was and what I was doing. When she stopped responding, I assumed that everyone at home knew where I was now. False. Apparently, my sister didn’t tell anyone and so my mom waited and eventually just went to sleep. I had gotten home by 11PM to 12PM ish. However, I sat outside of my house with my friend. We were discussing problems that we were experiencing with friends and family, having some good bonding and venting time. I went in sometime later and went to bed.

The next day, I woke up, had lunch, stayed in bed for a bit, and as I got out of bed, my mom came home from work. After saying “Good Afternoon,” she stood in my doorway for a few seconds. She then began to lecture me about being late, being rude, being inconsiderate. At first, I wanted to resist and explain myself, but I realized that she was right and I should just apologize. But how? How do I stop her from lecturing so I have time to apologize? She then began to lecture me about how I never apologize. Great. She was still lecturing and I never had the opportunity to apologize.

I got frustrated with her and told her that I wanted to apologize but she never gave me an opportunity to. Her excuse was she gave me the few seconds after she said “Good Afternoon” to apologize - that was definitely not enough time. I comlained to her, telling her that I don’t open up easily. It takes time for me to say how I feel or to talk about important topics. She rebutted by saying that she always tells me that she’s there for me, to listen to me, etc. That’s what it’s about though. I know she’s there, but I’m not ready. She wasn’t listening to me. She kept reminding me that she wanted me to share with her, but I kept telling her I wasn’t ready.

When it came down to it, I had no choice but to tell her. Proof that I wasn’t ready? I was in tears. I cried more than I ever cried before. I was hyperventilating. I couln’t breathe. I couldn’t cough for air. I couldn’t gasp for air. I was shaking, convulsing even. My hands were shaking. My knees buckled. Lastly, I couldn’t even look at her. I didn’t want to see her. I haven’t seen her face since she said “Good Afternoon.” It all just hurt too much.

* * * * *

I don’t understand why she wouldn’t leave me alone. I don’t understand why it was imperative for me to tell her my secret. I repeatedly told her that I wasn’t ready - why was she so insistant that I share? I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t comfortabe. I didn’t know how to say it. I didn’t know when to say it. I couldn’t say it.

She kept telling me that some people choose this lifestyle and they’re going to have a hard life; she said she would love me more because of that choice. But it’s not a choice. It never was. It never will be. Who in their right mind would choose a non-heterosexual life? It’s asking to be scrutinized, discriminated, hated… I would never in a million years ever choose to be like this. I would never choose this for myself.

She kept saying that she can help me work through this. She said that two heads are better than one. How can she understand though? How can she help me through this? How can she help me figure this out?

She had told me stories of her college experences when lesbians had tried to make a move on her - it scared the shit out of her. How would she react to having a non-heterosexual son? If a random student at the same school scared her, how would she react to having one in her own family?

I knew she couldn’t help me. I knew she wasn’t ready. Neither was I. She told me that she already knew and had been mentally preparing herself for years - she just wanted me to share with her. She kept asking me how long did she have to wait? She knew I was in pain. She knew I was struggling. She knew. She just wanted me to say it. It’s not her problem though. It’s not her struggle. It’s mine. Ultimately, if I wanted to share with her, I would have. Honestly, I’m not even comfortable with it myself. How in the world would I be able to talk to her about it if I can’t even talk to myself about it? If she has to wait twenty years, she’ll have to wait twenty years. It’s not her right to know about my problems. It’s not her right to know everything about me. It is my right. It is my problem. It was my decision to chose the time and manner in which I would share with her my struggles. I was robbed of that option. I was robbed of that decision. I was robbed of my privacy. I was robbed of my comfort.

* * * * *

I left for dance practice with my team, PrimeD Dance Team. Unable to drive, my brother, Quantin, volunteered to take me instead. Thank God for dance practice. My team really helped to distract me from my troubles, my pains, and my worrries. I was able to use that time to recover a bit from my emotional distress.

My sister, Hannah, picked me up and took me home. I came home to a dark house and went to bed. Waking up, I found that my mother left me two things: a voicemail and a newspaper article. The newspaper article was about how taking cheap shots at your loved ones can take an emotional toll on them. That was her way of giving me a subtle hint, saying that she believed it was my fault. It was her way of telling me that I hurt her - that she was the victim of this situation. The voicemail I immeidately ignored. I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want to hear from her. I’m not comfortable around her anymore.

Today, I officially get out of school at 3:30PM, but I’ll be going to Kababayan’s Kommunity Meeting at 5PM, which means I can go home at 6PM. That’s not going to happen. At first, I thought I should go home and eat dinner at home, but then I realized that meant I had to spend the rest of the night with my family, and my mother. I won’t get homework done if I go home. I’ll just end up upset, crying, or hoping for a quick death. I’m staying at school. I’m going to stay here and study. I’m going to avoid going home for as long as I can.

I can’t be home anymore. I can’t go back. I don’t want to have to go back there. I’m not ready. I can’t handle this situation right now. I can’t deal with the emotional stress.

Coming out is a delicate moment for a lot of people. I always hear stories of how people come out successfully to their parents and are accepted. I won’t be one of those stories. I won’t have the chance to be one of those stories. I will always remember the day that I was pushed out, the day that my mother felt it was her right to know, regardless of whether or not I was ready. It was one simple fact that she couldn’t or wouldn’t take - the one fact that remains true:

I am not ready.

Episode 1 - War

In my time at UC Irvine, I learned many things. I few of the interesting things I learned while at school is that there is a specific divde in the student politics. The Associated Students of UC Irvine (ASUCI) sits atop the system of student politics as the governing student body. Similar to the US, ASUCI is divded into three branches: Executive, Legislative, and Judicial. ASUCI has large reign over what occurs on campus. They control large events such as Shocktoberfest, Reggaefest, Welcome Week, and more. They control the legislature and constitution of our campus studen body. They even have the ability to influece the administration on campus. There is a lot of power and influence that lies within ASUCI. The question that we now face is this: who controls ASUCI?

Countless students across campus are affected by ASUCI. Several are involved in ASUCI. However, where do these people come from? What is their affiliation? What is their goal in ASUCI? I have noticed that there are three general groups of individuals that come into ASUCI: people who grew up and come out of the Cross-Cultural Center, people who initiate and represent the Greek Community, and people who are apart of neither. The large majority is the latter. Yet, when elections come around, the vast majority of applicants represent one of the first two. Now that we understand where these people come from, the question has changed from “Who are they?” to “Does it matter?”

Yes. And no. Affiliations have a great effect on our way of thinking and viewing the world. I was always told that ASUCI is a constant battlefield with two-sides fighting for a majority control. The Executive Office of ASUCI holds five positions: President, Executive Vice President, Vice President of Academic Affairs, Vice President of Administrative Affairs, and Vice President of Student Services. The more positions one side has, the more influence they have over the student body. As a Cross-Cultural Cener volunteer last year, I was new to the system and so sided with what I knew best. Yet, I also learned that one must never judge others. I didn’t know anything about the Greek Community. Who was I to judge them and say that I was fighting a battle for righteousness and equality?

The following year, this year, I pledged and initiated into a fraternity, officially joining the Greek community, but what does that mean for this “war”? Well, at the end-of-the-year elections, it would seem that the Greek community won over the Cross-Cultural Center as it was a 3:2 ratio. So was I a turncoat? A traitor to my own side? I hardly think so. To me, it’s a one-sided war. To me, it didn’t matter. I never said anything, but I recently came to realize this to be true.

As a member of the Cross-Cultural Center, I learned from several different individuals. Some I grew very close to and others were simply good acquaintenances. As the year began, I grew distant from many of them, but none other than my own mentor. What happened? I never knew. So, I set up a meeting with him and soon I learned that he was a crusader. He considered himself to be a great defender of the students against the evils of the Greek community. Because I myself had become Greek recently, I had become the enemy. He made an effort to affirm me that he did not “hate” me, he just was not interested in bridging the gap between his “space” and my “space”. To that, I had no response. I had held him in such high esteem and to hear him speak such lowly words did nothing but further widen the gap in our relationship. He, who preaches that we must learn to understand, respect, and love one another, had turned a cold shoulder and a stubbor eye to the Greek community.

It was then that I stumbled upon the truth. He drew a line separating ASUCI, the Cross-Cultural Center, and the Greek community. His goal was to bridge the gap between ASUCI and the Cross-Cultural Center, but he had no interest n bridging the gap with the Greek community. Hypocrisy! Shame! I had grown up out of the Cross-Cultural Center believing we were at war for control of ASUCI. I was wrong. We’re not at war. In fact, there is no war. What I was taught wasn’t a war, but a personal crusade and a grudgeful vendetta against the Greek community. Fortunately, I had also learned to think for myself, to come to my own conclusions, to not assume or prejudge, but to venture out into the world, explore, understand, and accept the diversity that is present in our community and world.

This “war” is no more than a personal grudge carried over the span of years. A lack of understanding has suffocated the minds of many. The presence of prejudgement and hatred has stiffled our ability to grow, learn, and live as a single community. I had always believed that my fight was just that: to expand the reaches of the Cross-Cultural Center and to defed the rights of those who are discriminated against, especially against the Greek community. However, I have come to realize that that fight isn’t a fight at all - it is one man’s grudge. Instead, I know now that my fight i this: to strive to learn, understand, and accept others for their diversity and to encourage the development of a single community, unhindered by misconceptions and prejudice.

Season 6 - Lessons

In the past few years, I have learned a lot about myself and about the world that I live in. Season 5 primarily dealt with my frustrations, challenges, and depressions throughout my second year of college. However, Season 6 will be geared more toward the lessons that are learned from my experiences.

Here we go…

Episode 17 - Goodbye

“so…how about those other 3000 people at fvhs who lived?”

The comment that sparked a conversation… or a mindless argument.  On New Years Day, a student took her life, a student from my high school.  The news was instantly spread amongst the community.  All the students heard about it and so everyone had different reactions.  My friend posted the status above in hopes of staying positive.  However, almost instantly, he was bombarded with hate.  A number of girls from the high school protested stating, “how disrespectful can you get?” and “don’t be a douche.”  Yes, they are completely entitled to their opinion, but this in itself is just as disrespectful.  I didn’t understand how his status could be found to be so disrespectful.  I had no opinion of it.  But to try to understand why they were treating him that way, I asked.  The response was as follows:

“By him making that comment, it showed that he was merely brushing away the death of a kid.  He was, in a way, ridiculing the boy’s death.  He was acting as if the death of this kid didn’t matter…”

I can see why she sees that, but I can also see why he said what he said.  Both people have sound logic and both people are in the right to state their opinions.  However, the argument ensued.  He didn’t make a single comment after stating his intentions, which were to keep spirits up and maintain a sense of positivity.  The girls, however, continued to bash him, continued to harass him, continued to verbally abuse him.  Why?  Because they felt the needed to.

I responded (in a very length comment) telling that this is not the way to behave.  Everyone needs to calm down.  For people who believe my friend is disrespectful, that’s fine.  You can feel however you want to, but don’t be public about it.  When you humiliate someone, they don’t learn anything.  They just learn to hate you.  Private message him and tell him your opinions constructively.  If you asked to him to remove the status, he probably would have.  Instead, you go bantering off to degrade him, to belittle him.  That does nothing.  That doesn’t help anyone.  Be constructive, not destructive.  For people who don’t think he is being disrespectful.  That’s your opinion too.  However, when someone approaches you telling you that you are disrespectful, all you have to do is apologize and say you didn’t mean to be.  Done!  That’s all it takes.  Everyone is still learning.  Everyone is still growing.  Don’t be so quick to judge each other.  I don’t understand why you would do that?  I expected so much better out of the you all.  I expected so much better from people that come from my school.  Instead, this is what I get.

I then went on my own status and said that I felt hopeless.  I don’t see the need to disrespect each other.  I don’t see the need to hate each other.  The fact that these students are so ready to deliver so much hate to one another is very depressing.  It’s even more depressing for me to see these students then turn on me.  They degraded me.  They belittled me.  They attacked me.  All because I was trying to tell them to respect each other.  As an honest statement, I don’t want to be here anymore.  I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.  I’m done.  Yet, that wasn’t the end.  

To top it off, an old high school teacher I knew commented on my status; this was the deepest cut of them all.  She said that I was being insensitive.  There was no way I could understand their problem.  She said I shouldn’t have interfered.  I should have just let them deal with it in their own way.  I should have just let the staff help them.  The problem is that the staff doesn’t have access to their facebook accounts (staff aren’t allowed to add students on facebook until they graduate).  How can they handle this?  How can I not intervene when they are deliberately disrespecting my friend?  I’m too insensitive?  I couldn’t possibly understand?  Let me be clear, but this teacher has never taught me.  I have never had her for any class what-so-ever.  She was our club advisor.  She knows nothing about me.  She doesn’t know where I come from.  She doesn’t know the struggles that I faced and continue to face.  I’m sorry, but she has no right to tell me I couldn’t possibly understand.  She doesn’t know me.  I spent the most time with her my senior year as I was President of our club.  If I told her of the challenges, obstacles, trials, and tribulations I went through for just that one year, I doubt she would even begin to believe me.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH LIFE SUCKS, YOU DO NOT DISRESPECT EACH OTHER.  What in blazes tells you that if you’re sad, you’re allowed to yell at other people?  Be dignified.  Keep your calm.  Keep your cool.  Be HUMANE to each other.  I can’t begin to stress this.

Now I’m just at the end of my rope, at the end of my journey.  I don’t think it’s worth it anymore.  When a teacher tells you that you couldn’t begin to understand the pain that others go through (when you know you can do more than just imagine the pain but remember it), you know that no one’s listening.  Teachers.  I often have much respect for them because they are known to be beacons of knowledge and understanding.  If the beacon cannot see, then I must truly be doomed.  I’m done.  I can’t handle this anymore.  People say they care and that they’ll always be there but when I face trials, I face them alone.  Why do some people always make me feel like suicide is the way?

I am tired.  I am done.  I am depressed.  I am hopeless.  Goodbye. 

Episode 16 - Falsehoods

Friend.  An interesting term that is quite often applied to individuals we find a liking to, someone we are accustomed to spending time with and enjoy spending time with.  The dilemma then is this: when does title of fake friend become applied to a friend?  It is in the eyes.  It is in the smile.  It is in the words of kindness.  I cannot speak on the behalf of others, but I find it remarkably easy to pick-up on the subtleties that people display when they attempt to feign kindness while hiding their inner disdain, dislike, and hate.  Some people accidentally make it obvious while others believe they have succeeded in fooling the world.

Now, identifying them is easy.  Understanding why they would do it presents a slightly more difficult challenge.  In discussion to identify and understand the strange reasons why anyone would go to the lengths to falsify friendship, one must suffer from disappointment and sadness; to imagine that anyone would be capable of such evils is quite disheartening.  Humans act on instinct for self-preservation, as do all creatures.  Therefore, I feel that one of the strongest reasons to falsify friendship is to protect oneself, more specifically, one’s reputation.  No one enjoys being judged, but when the judgement proves positive, no one can deny it.  However, when judged crucially and the results are not pleasing, people become defensive.  Reputation can easily mean everything for everyone.  Who wants to be known as rude, cruel, harsh, and cold?  No one.  Who wants to be known as kind, gentle, warm, loving, and always faithful?  Everyone.  Yet, to be kind to everyone takes a lot of work.  Some people are willing to go to such lengths in order to truly care and truly be kind; some are not. 

Another reason, a darker reason, is in order to gain access to resources.  If an individual were to be interested in the resources of another individual, they would hope to gain access through acts of kindness and words of kindnes.  For example, if someone needed assistance on homework, they would look to a friend and hope that the friend would comply with a kind requet for help.  Of course true friends do so (even if the do sometimes grumble and complain).  However, people know that if they aren’t close to the one that can provide help, the likelihood of compliance decreases.  There is still chance, but a lower chance.  In order to increase their chances of receiving what they want, they open communication, apply kind words, and subtly bring in the topic of interest.  It is a simple pan, a common plan, and often an effective plan.  Yet, true friends sometimes follow the same plan in order to avoid the assumption that they merely want to use their friends for their own benefit and gain.  How do you tell the two apart?  True friends reciprocate without hesitation, without demands, without any pish-posh nonsense.  False friends will attempt to do their best to weasel their way out of it.  That is what they like - that is what they want: a one-way relationship that they can receive maximum resources while outputting minimal if any resources of their own.  All gain.  No give.

I find myself cross with a number of individuals who seem to take advantage of me now.  I find myself identifying a number of individuals who are quick to ask me for help, but slow to respond to my anything that I ask for.  Yes, I can help you with homework.  Yes, I can drive you home.  Yes, I can show you what to do.  But when I ask for a simple hang out, they’re suddenly to busy for me.  When I ask for a simple reply to a text, a call, or a message, they’re suddenly to busy to respond.  I am more than accomodating to these people.  When I say accomodating, I mean very accomodating.  I hold myself at standards that are much higher than ones that I hold for others and therefore judge myself much more crucially.  If I am very accomodating in comparison to these people, then it becomes obvious to me that I am now in a one-way relationship, one where I only give and they only take.

Are you free tomorrow for lunch?  No, I have class.  Alright, are you free any time this week?  No, I have school.  Oh that’s cool, so do I. When would you be free then?  Winter break.  Okay, I can do that I’ll be in town all of break.  [Winter break]  When are you free during break then?  Not this week.  But it’s break?  What do you have?  Church.  Clubs.  Family.  Okay, well church doesn’t take more than two hours.  Club activities never consume a whole day (esecially in high school).  Family time i understand because I have a family too.  How about next week?  Can’t, I have homework.  Want to study together then?  Can’t, I have to study at home and people can’t come over.  We can study at the library too.  Can’t, no car. Well, I have a car, I can drive.  Can’t, I hve to study at home and people can’t come over.  So what you’re saying is you don’t have time in the weeks and weeks of break we have to spend one hour with me?  Yes, no time, too busy.

At this point, I believe it goes beyond being busy.  At this point, it becomes blatantly obvious that it has become aversion.  If you don’t like me and don’t think that I’m worth the time, why do you even call yourself my friend?  If you can’t spare time for me, what am I to you?  Yes, I’ll be here when you need me, but you can’t even be there for me.  This goes especially for high school friends of mine.  You are in high school.  You don’t have a job.  Your school schedule is fixed.  Your clubs do not require all-day attedances.  Your homework load is much easier (and even if you have a lot we could study together).  There is absolutely no excuse for you to be busy than me.  There is absolutely no excuse for you to need to lie to me, to deceive me.  IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE MY FRIEND, THEN DON’T.  Simple as that.  If you want to be my friend, I expect reciprocation.  You don’t always have to be there, but at least show you care.  I don’t care if your respone is a few seconds late, a few minutes late, a few hours late, or even a few days late - at least you respond!  Lack of response, lack of communication, lack of contact.  These are the weapons one uses to create a void in a relationship and kill it.

In conclusion, despite that there is still much to be said, I am done.  I am fed up with being used, being trampled on, and being thrown out like trash.  I AM NOT PORN.  I am not here for you only when you need me.  If you are my friend, I will gladly provide my resources to you and do what I can to help you.  If not, I’m sorry but I’m not going to waste my time on people who can’t even spare an hour for me.  All I want is a hangout.  Why?  To get to know you better.  To develop our friendship.  To have our relationship mean something more than just me doing favors for you.  If you want to use me, don’t waste either of our time because I’m not doing it anymore.  If I feel like you are using, be prepare to be confronted about it.  I don’t like people using me.  I don’t like peope who don’t find me worth the effort.  You will know when I think are one of these people.  Why?  Because no one will ever hurt me the way that these people have hurt me before.  I care for people, I don’t use them.  I demand the same respect from my friends, and they provide it willingly.  All other?  You are no longer welcome to call yourself my friend.

I am going to protect my heart from you.  You will never hurt me again.